Losing Friends Because of My Opinions
Last week a friend I was close to for many years deleted me on social media without any warning or explanation.
They were there one day and gone the next.
Actually, this past week multiple people deleted me on my various social media platforms. Some of them people I hadn't seen or spoken to in a while, some of them, Bible study leaders or small group leaders that I sat under their teaching.
I am not writing this to put a spotlight on any of these people. I am not writing this to point a finger at them. Or to get people to feel sorry for me.
Me sharing my opinion on the Kavanaugh hearings was the last straw for a lot of people on my friends list because my timeline can feel a lot like an endless parade of opinion after opinion after opinion and I know that.
I have actually been dealing with convictions about how I post the things I post. I have been asking myself for a few weeks now, "What's the part I am playing in their discomfort/sadness/anger/hurt?"
I am an outspoken person who has absolutely zero problem stating what I think or feel here or in person. If I gave into "What's on your mind?" every time something popped into my head I would have approximately 2 friends on Facebook and probably in real life.
I have spent many years trying my best to make sure that thoughts don't roll out of my mouth, or in this case, off my fingers, prematurely (that may shock you that I have MORE opinions I EDIT out, but it's true). The fact that I am opinionated on top of having no problem speaking my mind is gasoline on the metaphorical fire.
I recently heard someone say "I am opinionated, but I hate confrontation." My opinionated, confrontational mind got ahead of my mouth and I said, "Well how does that work?!" and then I promptly remembered confrontation is just not good for some people! Some people really don't like it. They drag their feet to confront something because they are actually okay with their opinions or expectations not being their reality. They have the power to release their opinion and move on to the next thing without even skipping a beat.
My husband is like this! He has the ability to go with the flow even if it's not how he envisioned.
When I see something is not going to meet my expectations I immediately say to myself "Well, can I influence the outcome?" When I confront something, even if it is not necessarily a positive confrontation, I feel a load has been taken off of my chest. The monkey isn't on my back anymore because I said what I needed to say. If something is not going how I envisioned, you can bet that I will try my best to make it so. When things don't go how I think they should, I spend the day (sometimes more) bellyaching over it.
"I should have put forth more effort"
"If I would have said ____ maybe they would have understood my point better."
And I think both of these types of people are so important. I know in my relationship the way we are helps the other out. If I was like my husband we would both be stuffing our opinions down to avoid our issues with one another. If we were both like me we would spend our days bickering and picking each other apart. So we need each other as a balance.
God actually gave him to me as my physical reminder of temperance!
I have spent the past few months going through some Christian leadership classes and one of the paramount pieces of the material is to ask yourself, "Is there a Biblical character or verse that speaks to your situation?"
When I did this I thought of the Apostle Paul. I think a lot of people forget that Paul was actually rejected by the disciples and eventually sent away from them because they couldn't incorporate him into their ministry. They didn't trust him because he had a history of persecuting Christians and even when they decided to trust him, other Christians still couldn't.
In Acts 9:19-31 (NIV) it says:
"Saul spent several days with the disciples in Damascus. 20 At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God. 21 All those who heard him were astonished and asked, “Isn’t he the man who raised havoc in Jerusalem among those who call on this name? And hasn’t he come here to take them as prisoners to the chief priests?” 22 Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Messiah.
23 After many days had gone by, there was a conspiracy among the Jews to kill him, 24 but Saul learned of their plan. Day and night they kept close watch on the city gates in order to kill him. 25 But his followers took him by night and lowered him in a basket through an opening in the wall.
26 When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. 27 But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul on his journey had seen the Lord and that the Lord had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus. 28 So Saul stayed with them and moved about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord. 29 He talked and debated with the Hellenistic Jews, but they tried to kill him. 30 When the believers learned of this, they took him down to Caesarea and sent him off to Tarsus.
31 Then the church throughout Judea, Galilee and Samaria enjoyed a time of peace and was strengthened. Living in the fear of the Lord and encouraged by the Holy Spirit, it increased in numbers."
They were there one day and gone the next.
Actually, this past week multiple people deleted me on my various social media platforms. Some of them people I hadn't seen or spoken to in a while, some of them, Bible study leaders or small group leaders that I sat under their teaching.
I am not writing this to put a spotlight on any of these people. I am not writing this to point a finger at them. Or to get people to feel sorry for me.
Me sharing my opinion on the Kavanaugh hearings was the last straw for a lot of people on my friends list because my timeline can feel a lot like an endless parade of opinion after opinion after opinion and I know that.
I have actually been dealing with convictions about how I post the things I post. I have been asking myself for a few weeks now, "What's the part I am playing in their discomfort/sadness/anger/hurt?"
Photo evidence of me finding time to write out think pieces for all to read even as I am hospitalized, while J remains unbothered
I am an outspoken person who has absolutely zero problem stating what I think or feel here or in person. If I gave into "What's on your mind?" every time something popped into my head I would have approximately 2 friends on Facebook and probably in real life.
I have spent many years trying my best to make sure that thoughts don't roll out of my mouth, or in this case, off my fingers, prematurely (that may shock you that I have MORE opinions I EDIT out, but it's true). The fact that I am opinionated on top of having no problem speaking my mind is gasoline on the metaphorical fire.
I recently heard someone say "I am opinionated, but I hate confrontation." My opinionated, confrontational mind got ahead of my mouth and I said, "Well how does that work?!" and then I promptly remembered confrontation is just not good for some people! Some people really don't like it. They drag their feet to confront something because they are actually okay with their opinions or expectations not being their reality. They have the power to release their opinion and move on to the next thing without even skipping a beat.
My husband is like this! He has the ability to go with the flow even if it's not how he envisioned.
When I see something is not going to meet my expectations I immediately say to myself "Well, can I influence the outcome?" When I confront something, even if it is not necessarily a positive confrontation, I feel a load has been taken off of my chest. The monkey isn't on my back anymore because I said what I needed to say. If something is not going how I envisioned, you can bet that I will try my best to make it so. When things don't go how I think they should, I spend the day (sometimes more) bellyaching over it.
"I should have put forth more effort"
"If I would have said ____ maybe they would have understood my point better."
And I think both of these types of people are so important. I know in my relationship the way we are helps the other out. If I was like my husband we would both be stuffing our opinions down to avoid our issues with one another. If we were both like me we would spend our days bickering and picking each other apart. So we need each other as a balance.
God actually gave him to me as my physical reminder of temperance!
I have spent the past few months going through some Christian leadership classes and one of the paramount pieces of the material is to ask yourself, "Is there a Biblical character or verse that speaks to your situation?"
When I did this I thought of the Apostle Paul. I think a lot of people forget that Paul was actually rejected by the disciples and eventually sent away from them because they couldn't incorporate him into their ministry. They didn't trust him because he had a history of persecuting Christians and even when they decided to trust him, other Christians still couldn't.
In Acts 9:19-31 (NIV) it says:
"Saul spent several days with the disciples in Damascus. 20 At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God. 21 All those who heard him were astonished and asked, “Isn’t he the man who raised havoc in Jerusalem among those who call on this name? And hasn’t he come here to take them as prisoners to the chief priests?” 22 Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Messiah.
23 After many days had gone by, there was a conspiracy among the Jews to kill him, 24 but Saul learned of their plan. Day and night they kept close watch on the city gates in order to kill him. 25 But his followers took him by night and lowered him in a basket through an opening in the wall.
26 When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. 27 But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul on his journey had seen the Lord and that the Lord had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus. 28 So Saul stayed with them and moved about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord. 29 He talked and debated with the Hellenistic Jews, but they tried to kill him. 30 When the believers learned of this, they took him down to Caesarea and sent him off to Tarsus.
31 Then the church throughout Judea, Galilee and Samaria enjoyed a time of peace and was strengthened. Living in the fear of the Lord and encouraged by the Holy Spirit, it increased in numbers."
In verse 26 it says, "When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing he really was a disciple." And it goes on to say that Barnabas had to vouch for him so that the disciples would put down their guard. And even after all that, the Jews were still trying to hatch a plan to kill him because they didn't believe Paul and Paul was eventually sent away to Tarsus.
When I look at Paul's situation I realize he was sent away because he was too much of a radical, not just in his preaching and teaching, but in his conversion story too. He went from literally one end of the spectrum, killing Christians, to the other, a Christian ministry leader. I can imagine their collective heads spinning when the Jews heard Paul was now teaching the Gospel. But that's because they weren't there for Paul's Damascus road experience. They weren't there to witness his radical conversion. They weren't there when God spoke to Paul and said "get up and go into the city." (Acts 9:6)
That gives me comfort to know that there are faith heroes in Scripture who were actually rejected by their peers just for being.
When I activate myself as a part of the Christian faith family I can expect there will be people who don't trust my heart/vision/ministry/word. They will get angry or upset. They may say "She used to be mean." "She has a big mouth" "She steam rolls people" "Her ideas are too different than mine" And they wouldn't be wrong about any of it. Every day I am trying my best to do and say things I think the Lord would do and say.
Oh, many are the days I fall short of that goal!
In Scripture there are so many calls to speak up one verse in particular has always resonated with me:
"Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and the needy." Proverbs 31:8-9 (ESV)
I don't think the Lord made me opinionated just so I can learn the discipline of holding my tongue. Although I think there are instances when that's exactly true and there are instances when that is true and I absolutely don't listen.
I know there are times when I need to put into practice "taking every thought captive to obey Christ" and when I need to remember to "speak the truth in love".
When people start deleting me or moving me out of their social circle I try my best to accept my role in that transpiring and I will try my best to speak my opinion in love going forward.
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