Living in a Desert Season


It is so hard dealing with a new normal. As I am going through stages in my healing process I am continually learning this lesson: my activity relates back to the season I am in. My time and energy is always in flux with how well I am feeling now-a-days. There are times when I feel I am back to my old self and I am ready to conquer every obstacle. Then there are times when I feel so sick I don't even have the energy to leave my bed.

I look back at what I used to do and sometimes I start to spin my wheels over how much has changed.

Four years ago I had recently moved to Houston. I was working for a major women's ministry assisting the President of the organization. The hours were rough. We were a small team of people with a big reach. There were about five of us responsible for programs and events that would reach thousands and thousands of women. Most days I was on my phone even outside of the office responding to emails. Slowly my health started to deteriorate, but I was able to manage on my own, so I did.

Cut to almost a year ago, I was weighing 90 pounds, anemic, major blood loss, unbearable joint pain, stomach aches and pains were my norm, and some days I would go without eating as a way to keep my pain levels down. Everyday was a physical torture. I felt like I was in a juggling act that could come crashing down at any second.

My family had come over for Thanksgiving and my mom was not happy with how I was looking. My clothes were hanging off of my body and my cheekbones were sharply sticking out from under my skin. Regardless of her protest, I got dressed for work at the women's shelter I had been working at. It was my turn to cover a holiday shift. I had run myself completely into the ground because I was trying so hard in my own power to keep myself going. I was slapping bandages on the situation by asking my family doctor to treat me symptomatically or I would just resort to over the counter treatments.

It finally took my primary care physician calling me on the phone a couple of weeks later to snap me out of the delusion that I was fine. She had taken some routine blood work and was shocked by the results. My cell phone rang right before a board meeting I was attending, "Lauren, I don't know how you are standing up right now. I think we might have to give you a blood transfusion. I am referring you to a few specialists. We need to make sure you don't have Leukemia." Cancer? Talk about a phone call you are never ready to receive. I tried to shake off the tears that were brimming in my eyes as I went to my boss to tell her I needed to go home. I didn't know what to think. My head was spinning and my heart was sinking lower and lower in my chest.

I had been researching my symptoms and reading up on what I thought was wrong, so when I went to my specialists I had a pretty clear idea of what could be wrong with me. Still, we wanted to rule out anything fatal so I began ANA testing and infusions to hopefully stabilize what was going on inside of me. It has been a long and exhausting road trying to find a treatment plan to help my body heal from the damages I caused and my disorder caused. Even now my medicines are still being changed and re-examined.

A few months ago, my husband and I decided it would be in my best interest to leave the job I was at. That was a major blow to my pride. I love work. I love having a title. I love working for a promotion or a raise. I love people relying on me. I love being in the trenches with a hard working team. I love being a part of a place that has influence in my community. I love getting to share my opinions and gifts in a workplace setting. Leaving that job was just another twist of the knife.

This past week I have been dabbling in a character study on Moses. I have always felt a special connection to Moses, especially the Moses in Exodus 4 ("Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else." Ex. 4:13 NIV) I tend to want to pass the bucket of spiritual responsibility! Anyone else?

In his life, Moses went through seasons divided into forty-year periods. The first forty he spent as a prince in Egypt, the second forty he spent as a shepherd in Midian, then the next forty as a deliverer of the Israelites. Before he transitioned into his role as shepherd Moses had an episode of trying to take his calling into his own hands by killing a slave master. Exodus 2: 11-21 (NIV) says,

"11 One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people.
12 Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?”
14 The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.”
15 When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well.
16 Now a priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they came to draw water and fill the troughs to water their father’s flock.
17 Some shepherds came along and drove them away, but Moses got up and came to their rescue and watered their flock.
18 When the girls returned to Reuel their father, he asked them, “Why have you returned so early today?”
19 They answered, “An Egyptian rescued us from the shepherds. He even drew water for us and watered the flock.”
20 “And where is he?” Reuel asked his daughters. “Why did you leave him? Invite him to have something to eat.”
21 Moses agreed to stay with the man, who gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses in marriage."

I believe God had placed a desire in Moses's heart to be a deliverer before he actually called him, but Moses went ahead of God when he murdered the slave master. When word got back to Pharaoh of the murder Moses had committed he had no choice but to leave town or face the wrath of Pharaoh. Moses's actions forced him into the wilderness. For forty years he lived in obscurity looking after his father-in-law's sheep. I wonder if there were times when Moses was bored to tears in the field keeping watch over Jethro's flock? Were there times when he looked back at his old life as a prince and just wished to be back there?

As I sit here processing, I think about my own situation. My situation, in respect to my health, was boiling over and I was standing above it with two hands desperately trying to keep a lid on it. I was acting outside of what I knew in my heart I should have been doing - getting help from a medical professional. Now I sit, not really in obscurity, definitely not in Midian, but certainly in a different season as a result of my actions and inactions.

There are times when I am bored to tears. I am done with going to another treatment. I am done with speaking to a specialist. I want to go back to the place I was at before. I would rather be organizing. I would rather be answering a million emails. Yet, God reminds me even in this time when it seems as though there isn't much going on for me, I am still being refined for a purpose. I am still responsible for my family, my friendships, my home, and now a marriage that I must cultivate.

Can you imagine all Moses learned as he was out in the desert keeping watch over his sheep? Perhaps he learned how to get water and food. Perhaps he learned how to track through the heat and stay cool. All of these are things he would need to know in his next chapter bringing the Israelites up out of Egypt. I try so hard to remind myself there are things I am being taught now with purpose. I try so hard not to skip ahead of God and what he has meant for me in this time. This isn't a useless season because I don't have an "official work title" or because I am spending a lot of time resting and trying to get myself better. If you are in a desert season take inventory of what your are learning right now. Don't markdown the value of lessons you learned in a slower or different season. Don't skip ahead of God and force yourself out of where he has you. It's okay to rest in a season that looks different than your last.


Comments

  1. Had to read again ๐Ÿ˜Š it's hard waiting but God is building you up for His glory๐Ÿ‘†

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular Posts